Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
You Might Also Like
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
Still my favorite headline of all time:
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
Pringles
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”