I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
You Might Also Like
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”
Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”
It’s scary what’s happening. People who, only 5 years ago, were 25 or 27 at most, are now 30 and in some cases even 33 years old