DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
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Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
emergency phone
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch