“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
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Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest