Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
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Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
I only wear my Rolex when I go to car dealerships to watch the salesmen fight over me
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.