I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
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Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
We’ve come full circle
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
I went on a first date with a man who spent the better part of the first hour ruminating about his recent ex
And yes I let him pay for my glass of wine and appetizer because a therapist would have charged double
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son