Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
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Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
When I grow up, I want to be 16
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
“A little help here, Danny?”
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
My documentary ‘I Have Stolen All Your Chairs’ just received a 90 minute standing ovation at Cannes
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.