Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
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me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.