People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
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cushion on the right slightly discoloured
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
Word.
~ Microsoft.
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
Alexa; make it look like an accident
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone