A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
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Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open