People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
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My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
The swamp creature from the haunted lagoon?
Nope just me back from the gym
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
Check out the legs on this baby
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?