MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
You Might Also Like
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
B
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo