“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
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I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
Is anyone gonna tell them?
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off