Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
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Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
Coffee for people with no kids
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
Things will get butter, keep churning
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV