It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
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What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
the composer
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy