How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
You Might Also Like
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
He wanted to make sure😂
Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”