They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
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[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️