Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
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I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
Meth is short for Elizameth.
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?