My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
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Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey