Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
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Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
When can I start eating bats again.
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.