[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
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“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat