My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
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I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?