I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
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America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
Employees must applaud the planets.
My 6 year old asked if we could have hotdogs for dinner and I suggested letting her mom choose the meal given the occasion. She said, “it’s Mother’s DAY not Mother’s NIGHT.”
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.