Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
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Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁