I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
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Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.