Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
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Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
Why did they call it an Amazon wishlist and not an ‘Oughttobuyography’.
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
They’re on their honeymoon
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.