dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
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If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
Are you ok, human???
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did