Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
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The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.