If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
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I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
idk what he going thru but i feel him
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
The Onion called it…again.
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.