me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
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Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.