All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
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Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
My new favorite headline
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
Happens to everyone.
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.