[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
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Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
Seems kinda suspicious
what’s really going on
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies