Sending in my taxes
You Might Also Like
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
what
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.