DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
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[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.