My birthstone is a marshmallow.
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[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car