What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
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Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
Bless you
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*