person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
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So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
You’re the water to my grease fire.
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
nobody’s gonna understand
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.