Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
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What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.
If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
You only hear about go-go boots. I’d buy the shit out of some stay-stay boots. I stay more than I go. Finally some boots that fit my lifestyle and whatnot.
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent