Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
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You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
I’d use my best pan on you.
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
welp
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
Our public library is holding a “Read with a Firefighter” event. I tried to sign up, but it’s only for ages 6 – 9.
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*