me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
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You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
These are my emotional support Pringles.
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.