Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
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Choose your fighter
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
*watching our 7yo’s softball game*
Me: Where’s our kid?
Him: The one dancing
Me: Ah, yes
sugar glider wrangler
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
I cannot call her anything else now
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
the only organized thing in my life is crime
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.