Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
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How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
Looking at you, Jesus.
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day