Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
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Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
Rich people don’t understand cereal
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
Matt Goss
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money