if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
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I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”