Oh my God.
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Sometimes when my boyfriend and I aren’t speaking, we have the dog deliver notes to each other
I just got a message from the dog asking where the good mustard is
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.