Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
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I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
They also CAN sing✌️
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
When you’ve simply given up.
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”