I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
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If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
*gets down on one knee*
Me: Busy day?
Singer: Working on my scales
Map maker: Same
Scale maker: Same
Mountain climber: Same
Guy who draws fish: Same
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.