Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
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Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
satan: not today, microsoft teams
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
I don’t carry my wallet to work because I’m afraid someone will steal it while I’m sleeping.
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
selfie game
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.