See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
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In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
Who’s your best friend?
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?