Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
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I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:
– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pensWhat year does he live in??
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
Do not steal food from the science building!
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead